Helpless

This morning I woke up perfectly content. Cold air filled my room, my dog was snuggled up against me, and the sun was already breaking through the tree branches and sifting through the curtains.

But sometime between waking up, taking my shower and having a conversation with a friend, my mood crashed. Sometimes I think about silly things too much-- Kind of like Charlie in Perks of Being a Wallflower. I spend too much time in my head, and not enough time changing the things that need to be changed in my life.

I went to Graham on Friday and talked to Mary. She was always so enthusiastic when it came to anything I was doing-- Everything I was doing. She was always pushing and cheering me on. And when I saw her she immediately asked what new adventures I had been on.
I didn't know what to say.

I have spent the past year of my life doing nothing but working and going to classes. No adventures. No new, exciting experiences. I'm not saying I haven't made good memories this past year, because I definitely have. I just feel like I've been idle. There was so much that I wanted to do, yet I haven't done any of it.

I've talked to someone about it, but I don't think they fully understood where I was coming from. They said I was in college, I'm not expected to do all of these amazing things like I did my senior year when I had a lot of free time on my hands. I don't like that excuse, because it's just that-- An excuse.

Last year was so fulfilling in so any ways. I was making a difference in someones life. I felt like... I had a purpose. And now I'm sitting in a college when what I really want to be doing is chasing down that feeling again.

Everyone always talks about the importance of going to college and getting a good education; Planning for the future. But what happens if I die next week, and haven't done anything spectacular because I was too busy focusing on tomorrow, or next year, or ten years from now when I'm expected to have a steady job, a husband and family.

What if I don't want to settle for a routine life?
What if I just want to focus on what I have right now, and the impact I can make on the people around me right now?


That's juvenile and naive, I know. People need to plan for the future and be responsible. But right now I'm just going to dream about drinking chocolate milk and ponder joining Americorps, because there is nothing I want to do more than drink chocolate milk and help people.
And bake the occasional batch of cookies, of course.

Waking up

Sometimes I let myself get held back just because I don't know how to start.
Like a blog, for example. Especially a blog that hasn't been updated in far too long.
I need to jump, regardless of any and all fears.

Spring is here.
I don't know what it is about this year, but every thing has been overwhelming. Not a bad overwhelming, but a sensation of all of this light, and color, and love that's just pouring out of everything all around me kind of overwhelming. It's the most euphoric feeling. I'm sad that I've overlooked it for all these years, or at least I would be sad if I weren't so busy being happy and grateful that I've finally begun to experience it now.

It's like I'm just now waking up from a long sleep... But everything is still so dream-like; So pure and new-- so fresh.


It feels like an adventure is starting.

bloggingbloggingblogging

[I miss this dog]

Sorry I haven't blogged in quite a while. =\ We're kind of bad at this, aren't we? Large quantities of papers generously handed out by professors makes me never want to pick up a pencil or type on a computer ever again. Producing words in a sequence that makes sense is starting to become too much work.

blurg.

I made some snow angels yesterday :D

I love the snow... I've definitely come to appreciate it more, especially since I missed out on it last year. The biggest snow in Ohio in years, and I missed it... U.U

i hope you guys are staying warm. I'll try to write again soon.